I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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