i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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