I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
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I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
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Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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