Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
