I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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