He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
