Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
