well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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