Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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