My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
