Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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