Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
me + whiskey = a bad person
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
