Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
