I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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