I feel like abortions should bother me more
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
