Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
