I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
