i just wanna soil my oats bro
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
