Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Everclear isn't food dammit
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
