Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
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The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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