fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
