When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
