Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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