Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
