hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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