The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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