I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You pole danced in your parka.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
