Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
