I think I died a long time ago.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
