"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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