he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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