My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
