I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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