You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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