he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
