I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
