Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
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my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
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His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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