Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
