Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
