my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
