I feel like abortions should bother me more
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
