I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
