I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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