I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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