Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
