My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
