i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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