woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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