I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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