Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
