what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Randomize
