i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
