I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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