Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
