How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
