Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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