I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
