I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I'm eating all of the evidence.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
