I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
