I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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