happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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