my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
