R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
