I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
